Brooding

Alright, it’s a shift in tone for sure with this one, stay with me as I‘m in a pensive mood tonight…


I remember how useful Freud was in grad school for papers. Most of his work could EASILY be applied for those late night term papers where you happened to be short a source or two for your bibliography. All convenience aside, one theory that always resonated with me was his examination of Rolland’s “Oceanic Feeling” from Civilization and its Discontents. Religious vitriol aside, perhaps it was the most basic notion that we all need to feel in opposition to, or in harmony with, something that is greater than ourselves which I really grasped onto and kept in my mind. I still think about this quite often when I’m outside, with a good friend, or when I think of my formative years when my parents were infallible. Lately, it seems like finding this feeling, and the comfort (or trepidation) that comes with it has become more problematic.

For a long time in my life, since reading the Great Gatsby in freshman year of high school to be precise, I had the drive to teach English as a college professor. Somewhere along the way that was high jacked by the truly amazing, genuine people I met working at the Co-Op, and most days that’s exactly what I need to feel content; working with rad people who are truly worldly and beneficent. Every so often, however, I have one of those nights where I wonder what if and start to miss my program, the papers, and even the class presentations. Tonight is one of those nights. Work isn’t giving me that feeling, and it’s one of those rare dreary nights when climbing wet rock or riding muddy trails doesn’t sound that appealing. So, with no option for dilatory pursuits, I sit and brood over what I could have done. Some days are tough like this I guess, and you just have to roll with it!

I wrote the above text about a week ago, and I've decided to publish it as, within a day, I had swung back to my typically tireless optimism. We all go through an ebb and flow and this one was my own. Keep in mind that while we often are adrift in periods of self doubt, the things that mean the most to us become more apparent when we look back and see how they keep us centered in life- All it took was a good solo bike ride! I figure it will be good to look back on this to remember the low points, and their brevity...